Weaponizing Mashed Potatoes (Thanksgiving Food Fight Strategies)

It was a tough political year, and it's not over yet. Then there's the debate over COVID-19 restrictions, wearing masks, the economy, social issues, and so much more.

Lets face it, this is going to be one tough Thanksgiving.

Arguments have overheated. The debate has devolved beyond shouting and stares. Now it's finger pointing -- WAIT -- Uncle Bernie is waving a drumstick at his brother. As he does so, a thin drip of gravy flies from the end and lands across Aunt Agnes's dress.

The table gets suddenly quiet. Aunt Agnes slowly rises.

"Now, now Agnes," Uncle Bernie stammers, "It was an accident..."

Too late. 

While all this was happening, you should have been lining up the food on your plate and organizing your utensils. Surviving this is a matter of planning and strategy. Eye what food is laid out and in reach beyond your pate and be ready to make a go for that before somebody else does.

USE THE GLASS OF WATER FIRST. Water wets down the opponent. Think of it as a primer. Their clothing will stain more once it is wet.

THROW THE WINE SECOND. Aim both drinks at the person who is wearing something light in color. It will show up more.

CORN should be used like bullets from a machine gun. Fling them in a spraying motion across the room to hit as many people as you can.

MASHED POTATOES are best flung with the big spoon. But if you are able to grab the entire bowl in the center of the table go for that first and use your hand to throw fistfulls of it.

STUFFING is like a cross between mashed potatoes and corn. You can throw a big fist full of stuffing in a sweeping motion taking out as many as you can.

CRANBERRY SAUCE is hard to throw. It will slip through your fingers as you try to grab that stuff with your hand. Use your plate to fling it.

ROLLS are very effective but only if they bread has been buttered. No one cares if they were hit by a tiny soft, fluffy pillow. Break open the roll. Drag it through mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, stuffing, butter and gravy. It will hit your opponent with a messy SPLAT.

TURKEY & HAM are a short range weapon unless you have a drumstick. You can throw a good turkey or ham slice like a Chinese throwing star if you good like that. If you are good at throwing knives use a drumstick and nail Uncle Bernie from across the table. He is, after all, the one who started all of this.

NEVER THROW YOUR DESSERT. Throw somebody else's dessert.