Another Cougar Attack In Wyoming Raises Alarms [SATIRE]

It can happen any time, on any lone trail. Cougar attacks are on the rise. Officials are not sure of the reason.

Knowing that this is the time of year that the trails will fill with the ripped abs of vibrant specimens, these middle-aged huntresses lay waiting in the bushes or high above in the trees for just the right opportunity. The unsuspecting mountain biker rounds the corner and - whamo! Cougar attack.

"She came out of nowhere," said young Clyde Buckner of Cody Wyoming. "I never knew what hit me. But as we tumbled down into the ravine I could smell the old perfume and makeup. Yeah, they like to wear plenty of makeup. They think we can't tell how old they are with all that stuff on their face. But we know. They can't hide it."

Clyde was a lucky one. Some are scarred for life in more ways than one.

"Between the scratches from those cheap press on nails and the mental anguish, I'm sure I'll recover from one, but not the other," Clyde sobbed as he spoke.

Wyoming Fish And Game advise that young men who choose to go mountain biking in Wyoming to remember to check for minivans and old sedans with child seats, parked in the area.

Bring plenty of cougar spray, which is really just Aqua Net Hair Spray. Aim for the eyes.

Be sure to make loud annoying noises, like playing the music of Wham and New Kids On The Block. They feel embarrassment regret from worshiping those bands when they were teenagers.

Enjoy those Wyoming mountain biking trails, but be careful out there.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of real Puma concolors or any real North American big cats (puma, mountain lion, panther).